I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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