We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
