idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
