i'm lost and i look like a hooker
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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