I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He better not be in your backpack
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
