Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
