so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
