What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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