i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
