Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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