so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
