my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
