I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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