i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
