Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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