I look better un-naked...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
