i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
