I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Randomize
