Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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