why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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