This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
