Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
