I wish I could teleport
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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