# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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