I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
