She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
