I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
