im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
