I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
