Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
