Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
