I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
