i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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