Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
