I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
