i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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