In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
