I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
