he thought i was a dude.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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