take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
