There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
