Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
