fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
