the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
