If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
