You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
