Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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