we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
