I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
