On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
