Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
